Golf Lessons = Life Lessons

I was watching a movie (Where the Truth Lies) the other night and lo and behold, Danielle from Lost was in it. She was clean and groomed so it took me a while to recognize her.

Anyhoo, I started my golf lessons last night and it was fun. It was nice having 100% success hitting the ball. Norman had mentioned that maybe the teacher would be hot and little dirty. Well, he wasn't really hot and golf pros are never dirty. I think it's the first thing they learn. They all wear somewhat baggy, khaki pants, a polo shirt, clean, look-like-new golf shoes and a baseball cap. And when I say they all wear that, I mean THEY ALL wear that. I think it is a required uniform. NMSU was one of the few schools with a professional golf management program and the guys would travel in packs and they looked like robots.

So, where was I? Oh yes, my golf lesson. There is something strange about someone your age (and let me face, probably a little younger) saying, "That's a girl!" when you hit a ball really far. The best part about anything to do with golf is the 19th hole. Although the four beers I drank did not help to hydrate my overworked muscles, so I am a tad sore today. But it is a good sore.

Speaking of Norman (yes, I did mention Norman), that really sucks about your rental house getting hit by the hurricane. Are the people living there still able to live there? What kind of damage has been done?

Theory for Thought

We kind of had a glossic discussion with PTT about that gross Skittles commercial, but here is another thought on what is mono or polyglossic.

So I realize that Public Enemy's "Fight the Power" has been monoglossic for ages. But what do you think of it being used in a Turbo Kick aerobics class. I mean, that's kind of polyglossic. Or perhaps it is the person who put together the routine to the music who is polyglossic. Either way, it's got some potential.

What do you all think?

I Spend a lot of Time at the Gym if the Only Interesting Things I Have to Talk About Revolve Around the Gym

I realized the other day that I read over people's shoulders on the machines next to me. I'll be eliptical training along and then I notice that they are reading Us Weekly or Star or some other glossy entertainment magazine and I am absorbed. I don't think anyone has noticed yet, or if they have, they are a lot nicer than me. If I noticed someone doing the same thing, I would give them a look that says, "There's a whole box of magazines over there...get your own."

I ran into my new mailman yesterday. He is very, very good looking. And of course, of course, I am just coming back from the gym and am sweaty and gross and because I am so sweaty, my already large t-shirt has expanded and hangs on me to my knees, just covering my gym shorts, which although were in the women's section, I am convinced are actually men's shorts because they are so HUGE. In other words, oh yeah, I was hot.

I have been practicing my yoga and I can hold my legs behind my head now. It is supposed to be a really controlled movement and I pretty much...well, I swing my legs back there and prop up my hips. BUT, I can do it.

Oh and this last tidbit, well this is going to throw you right over the edge, Norman. A midget has joined my gym. And although The Station Agent has made me come a long way from my fear of little people, I must say, I was not prepared to see a midget huffing and puffing on the treadmill. I wonder if she will ever try the eliptical trainer. I am not sure she would reach the handles. You know, exercise equipment is very small people friendly. Midgets and dwarves could sue for discrimination and then there would be miniature exercise equipment.

Ok, I've gone to far.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

There are a couple of work vehicles here; not cars, but the things that move things and whatnot. And when they go backward, they make that beeping sound. BEEP BEEP BEEP!

During the past couple of days, somebody has been driving across the entire building BACKWARDS. So for five minutes, all I hear is BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.

Was it annoying to read all that? Imagine listening to it.

When I was a kid I used to be able to lay flat on the floor and then swing my legs up and over my head and hold them there by pressing on my hips. I didn't realize I was doing a yoga move. But now that I want to do it as a yoga move, I can't anymore. What the frick? I am so going to practice everyday so that when I go back to class next Thursday, I will blow everyone away. I am also going to practice my tree pose while I am doing the dishes.(The instructor says yoga should not be a competition with others or with ourselves. I really just want to blow everyone away for my own personal satisfaction and not as competition.)

Je suis fatigué et affamé et heureux c'est vendredi. Ayez un bon week-end.

Titre

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

This morning I got into my office and I didn't have my coffee. I thought I had left it in my car and then honestly began to wonder if I had remembered to bring it from home at all.

But to end the suspense I just created, I did remember to bring it from home. I had just left it in the car.

I just recently got a four drawer filing cabinet in my office. I don't have to keep my shit in a box. It's awesome. It makes me feel organized, but I don't really think I am. I just put all my files in there without any system. But I don't know how to systematically organize things. Aren't there people out there who do that kind of stuff for a living? Maybe I should hire them to organize my filing cabinet (in which I only truly use two drawers).

In case you happen to not hear through email, various blogs or by phone call, Laura is going to have a baby. Haha…ok, she got a car. But you would think it was a baby. Or at least have a hand to shake. "I want to shake the Focus' hand." HAHAHA. All kidding aside, that is very exciting news. And she's driving me to the botanical gardens.

Au revoir, chacun. Ayez un jour splendide

Happy Anniversary

I started my job one year ago today. For the first three months, when I was technically working through the placement agency, I worried that I wouldn't be hired on. For the first four months after I was officially hired on, I was afraid something would happen and I would be laid off or worse yet, fired. You see, my first real job out of college only lasted seven months before they declared bankruptcy and unnecessary staff were laid off. So seven months was an important mark for me. Now it has been a whole year. Not that I don't realize it could all be gone tomorrow; I just don't stop to think or worry about it as often anymore.

You know that movie, "Sliding Doors" with Gwyneth Paltrow and the whole plot is set off by how she is fired from her PR job because she borrowed a few bottles of vodka (or something) and she is actually holding the bottles she bought to replace them in her hands when they tell her? I don't think Gwyneth's character ever thought she could be fired. But shit happens.

Anyhoo, congratulations to me.

In other news, I had a great weekend. It was awesome to see my friend Jill, but we had to say goodbye after only two hours. I got a tiny sunburn on my arm and my nose is a little red.

I also watched King Kong and by the end I truly believed Naomi Watts loved Kong. And for some odd reason, it didn't seem weird.

Random Memoire

In the summer of 1999, I was visiting my parents for several weeks and one afternoon I set off to see "American Pie." At the time, I wore kind of platform flip flops. There were a couple of stairs I had to walk down to go into the theater. I got caught in my flip flops going down the stairs and landed flat on my ass.

I ended up with the biggest bruise on my ass.

It was so big, that when I returned to Las Cruces, NM a week later, I made my roomate look at it.

It was that big. And took a long time to go away.

A Gift for the Long Weekend

As you all know, I have a deep love for Clive Owen. I recently discovered some commercials he did for BMW a few years ago. These are not just any commercials; they are 10 minute mini-movies each directed by a famous director. I enjoyed the one with Madonna, directed by Guy Ritchie. But I just watched one with Gary Oldman and James Brown and that was awesome.

Discovering all new Clive material is like winning the lottery. For my eyes. But you don't have to love Clive to enjoy them.

Check them out

This is youtube. On this page there are some commercials (they're called "The Hire") and if you go to page 1, you will find a couple more.

Enjoy the long weekend y'all.

...

Dear Lost Creators,

First of all, I want you to know that I am a true blue fan. I would never stop watching you; I am with you until the end. Seriously, the only way I would stop watching is if I went blind, and only then because I would literally not be able to watch you.

And I am thankful that you answered the question about how the plane crashed. It wasn't fate, it was just magnets and stuff, and that eliminates the theory that Libby was an "other." And it's good to find out that it is important to press the button every 108 minutes; although now I am not sure if there is a button to press anymore. And I was relieved when Jack, Kate, Sawyer and Hurley realized that Michael was, indeed the killer in the hatch a few weeks ago (uh, I mean, yesterday). And I like it that at the end of each season you remind us of how many days they have actually been on the island.

So like I said, thanks for some answers, but I am not thanking you for all the questions you have created. And I think you are mean for making me wait three months for the answers.

Are Locke and Ecko dead? And why did Charlie not seem that concerned? He knows what happened. I guess Claire just gives a smile and he forgets about everything.

And the others are just going to let Michael go? I think that's bullshit and I better see Michael and Walt hanging upside down and dead, Mussolini-style, from some trees.

And are the others turning Jack, Kate and Sawyer into others? And what was that look between Jack and Kate? I'm not the only one who saw it; Sawyer was all like, "What the fuck," with his eyes. Did Jack and Kate make a secret plan?

And what does Desmond's girlfriend have to do with everything? Did she set Desmond up? And if she did, why does she still have a picture of her and Desmond. And how long before we see a flashback with her and Jack's dad? Because I am sure there will be one.

And finally, if Jack, Kate and Sawyer are to become others, how will the other survivors (Charlie, Claire, Sun, Jin, et.al.) survive without their natural born leader, Jack, who is also their only doctor?

If you could get back to me with some storylines or perhaps even some pre-writing, probably in that mapping thing with all the lines and boxes would be best, I would appreciate it so I don't have to wait the three months and then the following nine to find answers.

Thanks.

Sincerely Your Devoted Fan,
Witnesssuzy

Summer Fun

Uh, it's only Tuesday and it's already been a long week. I am not even really counting the days until the long weekend because I'm going to be busy this weekend. On Friday night I am going to my parents to spend the night because early Saturday, my mother and I are going up to Grand Haven to put plants on my grandparent's and uncle's graves. And then we are going to drive back. Yep, that's seven hours in a car to visit dead people. Not exactly my idea of a great time, but my dad is out of town, so someone needs to go with my mom and I figure, I don't even know where they are buried, so, it won't hurt me, right?

Then on Sunday I am driving to Columbus. One of my best friends from high school who actually lives in Florida is going to be there for an ultimate Frisbee national championship (or something like that), so I will probably see a match with her. This I am excited about. I haven't seen her in three years. Actually, that isn't that long ago compared to some friends I haven't seen in a while. Anyhoo, I am excited, but that will add about six more hours of driving, but I do what I do, right?

What a way to kick off the summer.

Pecan Farmers

Laura and I were chatting the other day and I was telling her about my friend, the pecan farmer. Laura thought it was weird that I knew a pecan farmer. Not that I knew a pecan farmer per se, but that pecans needed farming. But they do.

I actually talked to pecan farmer over the weekend and relayed this story. He said yep, he still has the biggest and best nuts in New Mexico.

This is the guy who made me a bong out of a potato.

His was also the first penis I saw at college. Not because we fooled around or anything, but because sometimes at parties, he would walk around with his pecker hanging out of his pants for fun.

And if I would've kissed him, there was a 60% chance I could've tongued out the fake teeth he had.

If you had told me when I first met the pecan farmer that I would still be talking to him nine years later, I would not have believed you. I would've said that you had pecans in your head.

I Need a Show if I Want to Cook

So it is my mom's birthday Tuesday and for all you key lime pie fans, I am going to make her a key lime cake. (And yes, Laura, I am going to make it and yes, I have read the DaVinci Code…haha). I'll let you know how it goes.

I love to cook and bake and try new things, even if it is as simple as the apple and cheddar sandwiches I made a few weeks back. I like trying new things and I like making my guests try new things (and then looking down on them behind their backs if they don't like it). And now that I have a real job and can actually afford the ingredients, I pretty much make whatever I want. I just thought about perhaps making my own sushi.

But it is hard to cook for only one person. And I don't think it would be any easier if there was a second person. I work all day and either go to the gym right after work or about an hour after I get home. I could cook on the weekends and if I cook it is on the weekends, but I am really most likely going out to eat or grabbing something quick before I am to go and do something. Some people cook a lot on Sunday to last the whole week, but I don't like making casseroles because they usually have too many calories and I don't want to cook pork chops or chicken breasts for the whole week. Can you imagine what they would taste like by Wednesday, because I don't even want to think about them on Friday.

Oh well, I guess I will just never get to fully utilize my gift, but writing this has made me want to cook something this weekend. Maybe I will make French onion soup. Except I don't know how to use my broiler…DRATS.

Level Jumping...You Gotta Do What You Gotta Do to Survive

I still read the blogs on xanga. Although I don't read Laura's because she literally copies and pastes her myspace blog into it, I do read Norman 's everyday (which by the way, I am glad that Norman is doing better). I also read a blog by this woman in…I'm not sure where she's from, but she's about my age and a lawyer and hilarious. I don't know her, but I love reading about her life. Recently she wrote a post about this woman she works with who she accused of trying to level-jump. TL (the blogger) said that while she liked casually hanging out with her; chatting at work, etc., the level jumper keeps asking her to do major things like go camping or go on a double date (it's like the episode of Seinfeld where someone asks Jerry to help him move when they haven't known each other that long).

So you maybe wondering why I am writing about someone else's blog…let me explain.

I need friends. Ok, that made me sounds pretty lame. I guess I need people in my vicinity to hang out with. I met a woman through Norman, and I saw her a couple of times recently and we had talked about hanging out. Ok, so I guess that is level one. So now I want to act on it. I want to email her and say, "Let's really hang out." I have a feeling I might be level jumping; like I might be the poor girl that people say, "Let's hang out," to get me off their back. But I am cool and fun to hang out with; I just need to be given a chance.

And if I am going to level jump, I need to do it soon. This weekend I am going to a couple's house to watch a movie. I am not going because I want to, but because I am starting to really like spending weekends alone and I don't think that is beneficial to my future. But I don't think movie weekends with this couple are beneficial to my future either.

When did getting friends seem harder than dating?

Hypotheticals are fun...unless someone is going to die - Part 2

In the second part of my hypothetical situation post, I suppose if I was, hypothetically, a surgeon who makes a patient’s heart worse to get better and that patient died, I suppose it would be hypothetical karma that was out to get me. But that doesn’t make it any less hypothetically sad. And a few hypothetical tears welled (or, uh, I mean, could well) in my eyes.

And by the way, I am beginning to hypothetically hate a surgeon who everyone hypothetically loves. He’s a baby.

And now I have to hypothetically wait four months to find out what happens to my hypothetical situation. Wait, that isn’t a hypothetical wait, that’s a real one. Sigh…oh well.

Hypotheticals are fun...unless someone is going to die.

Let's say hypothetically I was a doctor; a surgeon. And I fell in love with a patient who needed a heart transplant. I don't think I would almost kill him so he could get a heart. And if I did, I would certainly make sure the cardiologist wasn't lying in the parking lot with a gun shot wound in case anything went wrong.

But that's just me.

AH!

I have found the creepiest piece of Mother's Day clip art.




I hope you don't let this image ruin your Mother's Day. Love your mothers anyway.

It's Getting Hot in Here

It's 75 degrees outside, but it is much hotter in my office (exact temperature you may ask? I don't know) and I am this close to turning on my air conditioning. But there is a part of me that is thinking it's only May and only 75, there is no need for air conditioning.

You know that scene in "The 40 Year Old Virgin" where he is karaokeing to "Word Up" all by himself and he makes his voice go up and he points his toe out? That is running through my head. Then it makes me think of a skit fron Saturday Night Live a few years, around the time musicians were going before the Supreme Court to say that downloading music was wrong. In the skit, there were all the awful musicians going before the Supreme Court, like, Cameo, and every time he was asked a question, he would answer with, "Word Up," and he would say it like he sings it in the song.

Ok, so I recently discovered there is a healing institute in Perrysburg. People go there to learn how to do massages and they have community education for things like yoga, and what not. I was looking at their website ( haiohio.com) and on their list of services is a one hour massage at home.

Yes, I started thinking dirty.

But let me explain why.

A couple of months ago, I was watching a movie called Happy Endings (really good, much better than I expected) and in it there was a masseuse and he would give his women clients a little extra massage, if you know what I mean.

The a few weeks ago, some masseuse sued Kevin Costner for getting a little too relaxed during his massage. This event prompted a small article on like people.com or ew.com about the influx in crazy massage stories. And I think it was Teri Hatcher (the queen of TMI) who said that she recently had a Happy Endings type massage that she didn't know if she was being molested or if she should make another appointment.

Ok, it would be pretty ballsy for a masseuse to take these sorts of liberties with their clients. I mean, is there like an international symbol or code word? If I got a massage and said something like, "Use the papaya" would I get a special massage? And if you paid them an extra $30 would that just go all the way and massage you with a whole different part of their body?

Isn't it interesting how there is a whole different culture out there that you don't even know about.

Long Story, I'm Short

I'm short. I am no midget or anything, but I am short. Let me illustrate how short.

Yesterday I bought some pants. They were marketed and labeled as shorts. They were long shorts; Bermuda shorts is what they called them when I was little. I bought a pair and tried them on when I got home.

I now own a really great pair of Capri pants that are the perfect length.

###

In other earth shattering Witnesssuzy News, I went and saw an exhibit of paintings by Jerry Garcia. They were really cool. He was quite a talented man.

And yesterday, I received a bottle of Midori and it is made by Suntory. When I made a Midori Sour last night, I said, "For relaxing times, make it Suntory time."

Ta Da

So here you go, what you've all been waiting for.

A picture of Butter.

It's One of Those Weird Holidays

Felix Cinco de Mayo, everyone. I was actually, just reminded that it was Cinco de Mayo. I mean, I kind of knew it was the 5th of May, but I didn't think about the holiday aspect. I guess that means I'll have to find some Tecate or Pacifico or something fun and Mexican to drink tonight. Or maybe I will drink regular beer, but eat some salsa. I will definitely not be drinking tequila. Not that kind of girl I guess. Not enough passion for this particular holiday.

So, last night PTT im'd me the best news ever. He had purchased both season 1 and 2 of Arrested Development for only $30. That is the craziest best deal ever. I had once said that I would wait until my birthday or Christmas to ask for Arrested Development, but this was just too good to pass up. So by this time next week, I can enjoy the hilarity of Arrested Development as much as I want. And it should be my birthday or Christmas by the time the third season is out. I can ask for that.

I hope everyone enjoys the weekend.