PhD Student

I have been thinking a lot about being a PhD student and how my future will be shaped by this. I wonder if I work as hard as other students. I work hard, but I wonder if I lack the passion that some of my fellow students seem to convey.

I wonder if I am thinking enough about my future. What I am doing here and now will effect the job I have someday. Conference presentations, check. Publications? Not so much. In a writing group I was a part of last semester they would always ask if I was going to try and publish what I was bringing in, because if I was, what I was bringing in wasn't cutting it. I am just getting my head around writing in a new voice...I read journal articles, but I don't know if I know how to write in a publishable way...can that be taught? Or will I someday just get it? It has to be someday soon, my job literally depends on it.

I don't wonder if my research interests are relevant, but I do wonder if I can pull it off. I think I am great at big ideas...execution, not so much.

I wonder if I don't take enough initiative.

I wonder if I am not seeing what other people see and if sometimes this is a problem.

I wonder if I am a good teacher when I get so annoyed with my students. Students don't change, they are always going to annoy me, and I wonder if I will ever find a way to get past that get them to learn. Basically, I'm wondering if it is their ability to learn or if it is my ability to teach.

I still have over a semester before coursework is over and I focus on my comprehensive exams. I feel like that is a turning point and I should be more aware of what I have to do, prove, accomplish.

I'm not questioning the decision I made in getting a PhD. I don't know what I am questioning, I just seem to have a lot of questions with some very unsure answers.

Getting Older

30 came and went, so did 31, and although I realized I was getting older, 32 hit me like a ton of bricks.

Perhaps it was because there were elderly reminders all day long. In one class we talked about how as we age, how we see color changes and how we taste changes (apparently old people over-salt and sugar their food because they can't taste as well). I saw a woman wearing an oxygen tank. I saw a woman using a walker. These hit close to home because I have a sweet tooth and a history of diabetes in my family. I also am a smoker. I also have parents that have had knees and hips replaced.

I'm scared.

Not of really getting older, obviously I've always known this is going to happen. And everything I mentioned above most likely won't affect too much for another 25-30 years. But I am definitely at an age where I have to take these issues into consideration. I need to start eating better (which I literally have been doing since Tuesday - lots of vegetables and non-processed foods). I should quit smoking (but I like to smoke...even when I didn't smoke that much, I enjoyed it. I think I will start cutting back). I should just overall take better care of my body. I do exercise regularly. I am not the worst eater in the world (I have bad days and moments where I overindulge). But I don't want to be a woman who is in bad health early in her aging process. My mother was/is like this and it sucks to see a relatively young, older woman have the issues of a much older woman.

I also don't want to turn gray, get wrinkles and sag, although this is all happening anyway. But I can help that...hair dye, Preparation H, weight training. Ahh!

Basically, I know the old adage is you're only as young as you feel, and on the inside, I feel young. But this is the year that it hit me; I'm not technically as young as I feel.

And it sucks.

Mid Semester Reflection

Here is the weird thing about this semester: I haven't felt the need to cry uncontrollably...yet. I teared up a couple of times...once was during a ridiculously bad day where EVERYTHING went wrong (but not school related) and once was last week when I felt overwhelmed by Modern Rhetorical Theory (the name alone is overwhelming). This time last year and even in the spring semester, I would sob at the drop of a hat.

Not that I don't feel overwhelmed; there is always work to be done. And not that I don't feel stupid; I still feel like a fraud occasionally.

Maybe it's because I feel like I finally get it. After a year, I am finally equipped with the language and ideas and the rules and these have helped me exist and float in this world. I also know that some people are assholes and that's ok too.

The semester's not over and there is still the bulk of work to be done, so there is still time for tears, but knock on wood...this hasn't been a bad semester.

PS. If you're in the Las Cruces area - the Recession Free Session is this Saturday. 4-12. Music, poetry. Free for the community. Corner of University and Espina. Come for fun!

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Welcome to the internet where everyone in the world (including those you know) think it's ok to criticize everything you are and say from the safety of their computer.

Recession Free Session

Laura asked to see the poster I recently designed so here it is:

If you're in Las Cruces then, stop by. Should be a good time!