I wonder if I am thinking enough about my future. What I am doing here and now will effect the job I have someday. Conference presentations, check. Publications? Not so much. In a writing group I was a part of last semester they would always ask if I was going to try and publish what I was bringing in, because if I was, what I was bringing in wasn't cutting it. I am just getting my head around writing in a new voice...I read journal articles, but I don't know if I know how to write in a publishable way...can that be taught? Or will I someday just get it? It has to be someday soon, my job literally depends on it.
I don't wonder if my research interests are relevant, but I do wonder if I can pull it off. I think I am great at big ideas...execution, not so much.
I wonder if I don't take enough initiative.
I wonder if I am not seeing what other people see and if sometimes this is a problem.
I wonder if I am a good teacher when I get so annoyed with my students. Students don't change, they are always going to annoy me, and I wonder if I will ever find a way to get past that get them to learn. Basically, I'm wondering if it is their ability to learn or if it is my ability to teach.
I still have over a semester before coursework is over and I focus on my comprehensive exams. I feel like that is a turning point and I should be more aware of what I have to do, prove, accomplish.
I'm not questioning the decision I made in getting a PhD. I don't know what I am questioning, I just seem to have a lot of questions with some very unsure answers.
6 comments:
You're not alone, Meg. I also have 'a lot of questions with unsure answers.' And the contemplation of it all is hard, but I think it's necessary to find ourselves, ultimately, in a better place.
PS-I miss you!
If you weren't questioning yourself, I'd say you were doing something wrong. I think the point of the PhD track is to prepare you for what's expected when you're Dr. Meg. Which, as I see it, is a whole lot of questioning in different and unique ways. Just keep doing what you're doing. I am proud of you and I know you're proud of yourself. We may not know the future, but you're clearly working toward it, and that's something!
Thanks guys, for your comments and encouragement. I think I am finally deep enough into this that I can't just look at is as school anymore but as a great deal of MY life. A year from now I will be deep in comprehensive exam preparations...huge scary step. Makes me shake from nerves thinking about it...
it's all scary and you'll find your way as you trudge through it. all those questions are philosophical and the answers will change as you grow. and, it's better than being pregnant - no offense Lowrah. :)
Yes, it is probably MUCH better than being preggo -- at least you can DRINK and SMOKE through the stress, haha! ;)
And drink and smoke I do.
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