I Know I Swore...

that I would never blog here again, but I wanted to share this.

Who the eff is this bluegrape person? You gotta love the internet...even strangers can give you their opinion, even if they think it is humble.

Hope everyone is having a happy summer!

Last Lost, Last Blog

Lost is done. Last night I went back and forth between being excited to be watching it and being so sad that it was the last one. I didn't expect it to be perfect, but it was close for sure.

First off, I did not expect the sideways world to be purgatory or for there to be purgatory at all because the producers always said it wasn't. I guess technically they said the island wasn't purgatory, but whatever. I thought it opened up a lot of interpretation for fans. My interpretation - the island existed, Jack died there. Possibly Hurley and Ben. Sawyer, Kate, Claire, etc. got off the island and died later. But that's my interpretation...

I loved that it ended as it began. I loved the massive fight scene between Jack and Flocke where Jack leaped through the air to woop his ass. I loved ALL the moments where everyone had their flashes and saw their island lives. I loved the humor and the great lines. I loved that it felt kind of a like a first season episode. People were working in groups for a common goal. And while I know that everyone on the show is technically dead, I am glad no one died on the island - except Jack I guess, but it was too awesome of a scene to not like.

I can't wait to go back and watch the whole thing all over again. I can't wait for the super awesome box set. I think I could think about this show forever and ever and never think the same thing.

As for this blog, I am going to just give in and say that I am not going to be keeping up with it anymore. I've tried, but it is so hard to do. And then I feel like a bad blogger. I want to be dedicated. I also have a school blog that I want to devote my blogging time to. It's just a place where I spin wheels and reflect on stuff. If you want to read that, go here. (Although it's been a while since I've updated that one).

Anyhoo, I'm on Facebook and Twitter, so ya'll will be able to find me.

A Truth

I feel like I can only admit this on my blog where not many people go...

I've been watching the show Thirtysomething on streaming Netflix,

and well...

I relate to the characters.

I remember watching this show on Lifetime when I was 13 or 14 and thinking everyone seemed so old.

And now I get it. And they don't seem old at all now.

I feel old.

I know, I know...been a long time

There's a lot to talk about and not much at all to talk about.

I am about a week away from being done with coursework. Huz-fucking-zah. Although this excites me to no end (not having to go to class, not having to deal with irritable classmates, not having to do papers on a deadline), I am also a little nervous, just because that'll mean that I'll have to do some serious self-disciplining. I've also never been a student and not gone to classes.

It is also making the PhD seem more real. I mean, coursework was a reality, but a comprehensive exam and then a dissertation? I get really nervous thinking about it. But I guess like all things, eventually it will come to an end, mostly because it has to.

I also still feel like a fraud now and then. And that some of my fellow students seem more serious about it than I am. But these feelings are few and far between and occasionally I feel as though I have a lot to contribute to this field. And that is rewarding.

I am not going to work this summer. It will probably be my last summer to really take off and enjoy and I have plenty in savings so it's swingable. Not that it will really be a summer off. I plan on getting organized for my comps in the fall. I plan on updating my online portfolio and actually getting it online. I am going to finish up design work on an online literary journal that a couple of my friends started. I am going to be in Michigan for a few weeks. I am finally going to go to Santa Fe. I am thinking of going to the gym for a couple of hours a day (one of those hours is going to be yoga...remember when I used to be really, really into yoga? Yeah, not so much anymore). I am going to move to another part of town where most of my friends live and where my favorite bar is. And if all goes well, I'll get to teach a class of my own design in the fall that I am calling "The Rhetoric of Going Green" and I'll have to do a lot of planning for that.

Ummm, and that's about it for me for now. Have a couple of conference proposals to work on, but all in all, by the end of May, I'll be seriously without school. Yay!

Lost Lost Lost

(Spoilers Ahead)

So Ben Linus is ultimately good? Is that what we learned from last night's episode? I'm happy with that if that's the case. I think it is good for Ben to really act on his own accord. My god, wasn't that scene when he cried out, "He's the only one who'll have me?" so wonderful. Everyone is great on the show, but I've always really enjoyed Michael Emerson. The character of Ben Linus could've been way too over the top or too sinister, but I have had many, many emotions about Ben over the years and they are never the same from episode to episode.

I think there is something to the characters that have truly take a 360 in the series. Not counting Flocke, because he's not John Locke anymore. I am thinking more about Ben, who went from confident to scared shitless to completely insecure to maybe even happy and accepted(?). And Sawyer. Wow. He's not even the same character from the series premiere. I can't wait to see his sideways story.

Maybe it does come down to who Jacob touched. Did Jacob touch Sayid? Did he touch Kate? Maybe it is about what you choose to do after Jacob touches you. He told Kate to be good, but Kate wasn't good. What did he tell Sayid? I can't remember. Did Jacob ever touch Ben?

Why did Jacob want to kill the Dharma Iniative? Remember when Richard reaches out to young Ben and the older Ben gasses the whole place? That was obviously done in the name of Jacob.

Who is Ilana?

I love Lost. Any other series would start wrapping up it mysteries, but Lost is doing it so slowly and raising even more questions on a weekly basis. That last episode is bound to be the best thing ever!

PS. Does anyone think Claire is hot right now? This is a debate going on within the LC Lost contingent.

Drinking Can Be A Cure...

...to problems. You just drink so much you forget who you are. Problem solved.

I'd like to forget who I am right now.

One of Those Nights/This's and That's

Uh, I have spilled my pop all over and I sent an email to a student explaining her grade and suggesting she withdraw from the class, except I got her points confused with another students and had to email her back explaining the mistake. Uh, I am having a hard time adjusting to online teaching, but the mistake I made tonight could've been made in a face-to-face class, I guess.

I hope this ends when I go to sleep and there is no residual things going wrong tomorrow morning.

Been watching Deadwood and I am really liking it. It makes me want to say cocksucker - a lot.

I gained a lot of weight at the end of last year and beginning of this year. I am finally starting to lose it.

The weather is starting to turn for the better here in the LC. I've been riding my bike again. Hopefully I'll get a few weeks of ride time before the windy season starts.

Lost has been simply amazing, but needs a post all its own, so that is all I am going to say about that right now.

A lot of people are sick around here and I am doing all I can to avoid it.

I have decided that spring semesters are the worst. I'm not even involved in half as much as I was last year, but I feel busy all the time. I never really catch up. I just get one thing finished before I have to start another.

I wish I had more exciting things to talk about, but my life seems consumed with school.

Alright, enough talking to talk. I'll be back later with more to say. I promise.

Cocksucker.

Love Living in New Mexico

Last night was the kind of night that makes me love living in New Mexico and makes me never want to leave. It was the kind of night that really exemplified that laid back nature of this town and how people who look completely different and, well, are completely different, can be in a room together for the same reason and have a good time.

A friend of mine has a band that played a small after hours show in a record shop (or a head shop, depending on who you ask :)) It was good music - country, Texas blues and there were about 20 people there listening and tapping their toes, some were playing Foosball.

I guess I just feel lucky that in addition to a great school community, I have found a really cool community outside of school. They're all really interesting and cool people and I learn a lot from them on a regular basis - just as much as those I go to school with. Las Cruces is a great town to just hang out in. (which some people find boring about the LC and sometimes I do to, but it's the hanging out that can be fun!).

Anyhoo, school started and I already have a ton of work to do. But I'll be in Albuquerque in a few weeks for the Pop Culture conference. I am excited to see friends and presentation (although not excited to do my own presentation) and go to Trader Joe's and stock up!

Another Semester Down

I only have five to seven more semesters until I get my PhD. I feel like I am making a lot of headway, but at the same time feel as though there is so much more to go. Oh well, whatever, it hasn't killed me yet. I will make it.

This semester was surprisingly doable. I didn't cry until the last week of actual classes. And that's just because a girl I have classes with (who I think is the devil) made me feel stupid. I hate her, but I only have one more semester to deal with her. Yay!

Today I head back to MI for a few weeks. I am looking forward to it and not looking forward to it. Families are complicated and mine is the same. I like living in New Mexico because I don't have to deal with family drama. That probably makes me a bad person, but whatever. I like feeling good and I don't need anyone (including my family) making me feel bad. I feel bad enough without them some days.

I always take my camera, but I never really take pictures. It seems like a waste of space in my bag, but I can't not take it. Something really picture-worthy might happen. Something like snow and ice and me having to stay inside all day.

Alright, enough blogging. I have to finish packing and eat some breakfast. One can never have enough coffee on a travel day.

I'm a Bad Environmentalist

Well, I suppose I could be a lot worse. In fact, I am probably better than most people. But I have slipped up quite a bit.

Las Cruces doesn't recycle glass, so when I moved here I decided that in my own home where I have control, I wouldn't drink beer from a bottle or drink wine occasionally. I drink beer and wine from bottles a lot. If I was a super awesome person, I would drink beer only from the local brewery where I could take in my jugs to be refilled and drink wine from a box.

I still haven't set up a compost. How long have I been talking about this? For years now? This summer I even found one that didn't need worms, but I still haven't done it. And I continue to throw waste in the trash that could be used for something better.

I keep a resuable coffee mug on my desk, but lately, if I am close to the coffee place, I just go and get it in a cup, just because because I am too lazy to walk, in total, five minutes out of my way. (But I did just put a reusable mug in my car for when I get a coffee urge).

I've been buying my own books (the fun kind) and have stopped going to the library for them.

I've been reckless with sandwich bags. Mine are just filling the landfills.

I feel like there is so much more I can do - especially in terms of the little stuff that can be done on a daily basis, but I let my lazy nature get in the way. I mean, I don't want to change my whole life right now, but I am going to try and be more mindful - practice what I preach. It makes me feel better and less guilty.

But enough about that...everyone have a great Thanksgiving. Eat lots of food and don't let your leftovers go to waste.

In Light of my Last Post

I still have questions and fears...but I just got an email asking if the department could use my qualifying portfolio as an example for new graduate students who have to do a qualifying portfolio this year. This makes me feel good. It's like last year when one of the professors asked me to email a perspective student. They don't ask everyone.

Now if only my papers for the end of the semester would write themselves and be brilliant.

Being in graduate school is like having schizophrenia. Who will I be tomorrow? A confident student, or a fearful one? What will I think tomorrow? That I don't know if I can do it, or that I can totally rock the shit out of it?

I'm ready for Christmas break.

PhD Student

I have been thinking a lot about being a PhD student and how my future will be shaped by this. I wonder if I work as hard as other students. I work hard, but I wonder if I lack the passion that some of my fellow students seem to convey.

I wonder if I am thinking enough about my future. What I am doing here and now will effect the job I have someday. Conference presentations, check. Publications? Not so much. In a writing group I was a part of last semester they would always ask if I was going to try and publish what I was bringing in, because if I was, what I was bringing in wasn't cutting it. I am just getting my head around writing in a new voice...I read journal articles, but I don't know if I know how to write in a publishable way...can that be taught? Or will I someday just get it? It has to be someday soon, my job literally depends on it.

I don't wonder if my research interests are relevant, but I do wonder if I can pull it off. I think I am great at big ideas...execution, not so much.

I wonder if I don't take enough initiative.

I wonder if I am not seeing what other people see and if sometimes this is a problem.

I wonder if I am a good teacher when I get so annoyed with my students. Students don't change, they are always going to annoy me, and I wonder if I will ever find a way to get past that get them to learn. Basically, I'm wondering if it is their ability to learn or if it is my ability to teach.

I still have over a semester before coursework is over and I focus on my comprehensive exams. I feel like that is a turning point and I should be more aware of what I have to do, prove, accomplish.

I'm not questioning the decision I made in getting a PhD. I don't know what I am questioning, I just seem to have a lot of questions with some very unsure answers.

Getting Older

30 came and went, so did 31, and although I realized I was getting older, 32 hit me like a ton of bricks.

Perhaps it was because there were elderly reminders all day long. In one class we talked about how as we age, how we see color changes and how we taste changes (apparently old people over-salt and sugar their food because they can't taste as well). I saw a woman wearing an oxygen tank. I saw a woman using a walker. These hit close to home because I have a sweet tooth and a history of diabetes in my family. I also am a smoker. I also have parents that have had knees and hips replaced.

I'm scared.

Not of really getting older, obviously I've always known this is going to happen. And everything I mentioned above most likely won't affect too much for another 25-30 years. But I am definitely at an age where I have to take these issues into consideration. I need to start eating better (which I literally have been doing since Tuesday - lots of vegetables and non-processed foods). I should quit smoking (but I like to smoke...even when I didn't smoke that much, I enjoyed it. I think I will start cutting back). I should just overall take better care of my body. I do exercise regularly. I am not the worst eater in the world (I have bad days and moments where I overindulge). But I don't want to be a woman who is in bad health early in her aging process. My mother was/is like this and it sucks to see a relatively young, older woman have the issues of a much older woman.

I also don't want to turn gray, get wrinkles and sag, although this is all happening anyway. But I can help that...hair dye, Preparation H, weight training. Ahh!

Basically, I know the old adage is you're only as young as you feel, and on the inside, I feel young. But this is the year that it hit me; I'm not technically as young as I feel.

And it sucks.

Mid Semester Reflection

Here is the weird thing about this semester: I haven't felt the need to cry uncontrollably...yet. I teared up a couple of times...once was during a ridiculously bad day where EVERYTHING went wrong (but not school related) and once was last week when I felt overwhelmed by Modern Rhetorical Theory (the name alone is overwhelming). This time last year and even in the spring semester, I would sob at the drop of a hat.

Not that I don't feel overwhelmed; there is always work to be done. And not that I don't feel stupid; I still feel like a fraud occasionally.

Maybe it's because I feel like I finally get it. After a year, I am finally equipped with the language and ideas and the rules and these have helped me exist and float in this world. I also know that some people are assholes and that's ok too.

The semester's not over and there is still the bulk of work to be done, so there is still time for tears, but knock on wood...this hasn't been a bad semester.

PS. If you're in the Las Cruces area - the Recession Free Session is this Saturday. 4-12. Music, poetry. Free for the community. Corner of University and Espina. Come for fun!

!

Welcome to the internet where everyone in the world (including those you know) think it's ok to criticize everything you are and say from the safety of their computer.

Recession Free Session

Laura asked to see the poster I recently designed so here it is:

If you're in Las Cruces then, stop by. Should be a good time!

Breaks and Moving Forward

I am currently taking a break from exercise. I probably shouldn't because I have gained weight and am having a hard time working it off...but I think that is why I am taking a break. It's frustrating to exercise a lot and maybe a have bad eating moments a week, but nothing seems to happen. I won't stop working out all together, I will go back, but this week, I just don't want to.

I am also trying to stay on top of homework because I have a very busy next four weekends or so.

This weekend is the Whole Enchilada Fiesta. They make the world's largest enchilada...it's gross and weird, but Los Lobos is playing. I hope they play "La Bamba."

Next weekend is the Southern New Mexico State Fair. It's supposedly weird and fascinating, so I have to go. Also, an old friend of mine is coming into town for a job interview.

Ok, so the next weekend, might not have anything going on, but that will allow me a break to get some homework done.

The weekend after the nothing to do weekend is the Recession Free Session. It's a free concert for the community that a friend of mine is putting together. I am designing the posters. It should be a good time.

(in the middle of all of this is my birthday)

The final weekend I have something planned is Homecoming, in which a large group of people I went to college with are coming back and having a reunion. I am so psyched about this - alot of these people I haven't seen in nearly 10 years. It'll be a busy weekend because school-wise, there is a also a speaker series going on in my department and I'll have to go and do that as well.

And of course do homework and grade and everything else that goes in a life.

I'm tired just thinking about it.

And excited!

Bad Teacher? Bad Day

I didn't really prepare as well as I should have for class today. It went ok; my students actually contributed to the conversation, but I felt it...I felt underprepared and like I let my students down.

I'm not a bad teacher though, right? Just had an off day...learn from my mistakes...

Or am I just trying to justify how much I suck?

You all have permission to be honest.

Big City Living

Went to Albuquerque yesterday to go see Ween. It was a very urban experience. I rode in a taxi, I had many choices of places to eat, I was able to walk from the venue to a really cool bar and I hung out with cool people...granted they are the people I would hang out with if I was in Las Cruces on a regular Saturday night, but they're my friends, I like them and think they are cool.

I drank too much, but I knew that I would.

Now my long weekend is almost over. I still have work to do tomorrow. And grocery shopping. And then the week begins all over again and I will be looking forward to the next weekend. But first, some pizza and Mad Men.

Summer is Done

Well summer isn't really done...not technically. But it feels like it when I can't have as much fun as I did during the summer. Homework and lesson planning takes up a lot of time.

I haven't made any snap judgements about my classes yet. Well, no snap judgements about Modern Rhetorical Theory and Cultural Criticism, but I know my Document Design class is going to rock the casbah.

The tech writing class I am teaching feels to be off to a slow start, but this week we get into actual activities and assignments so hopefully it will get better.

Good to see some people after a summer away. Emphasis on some...

Per Murph - pictures from my trip to Oklahoma:

Here's a few of me being a bad-ass.

Ok, so this is a blurry one of Murph and K - but just know that Yahtzee was happening.

This is a tombstone from the Showman's section of a cemetery in Hugo, OK. Lots of people who performed in the circus are buried there and have some really elaborate stones. It was cool to see and a little sad. But mostly cool.