Yahoo

I just found out that I have a four day weekend, and I am super, super excited about this. I don't even know what I am going to do with all that time. I guess live a life of leisure or something.

An Easy $100

So, I did get my internet fixed last night (I am posting this from home), but, although I got the ingredients, I did not make the fruit danishes. And I did not get to golf because it was raining. So the question is this: who out there did not cross their fingers?

I realized that I have not yet written about the bet I made with Laura. I hope she hasn't forgotten about it. I bet her $100 that she would have kids before me. And I feel fairly confident that I am going to win this one. More confidant than Laura anyway, who it looked like had to think twice before shaking my hand that I confidently thrusted out. And don't think I wouldn't take that $100 and tell her to keep it and put it towards her baby. I am not above taking money from a child, or a fetus, or its mother.

Friday is so close I can feel it in the air.

Hey, I need some advice. As many of you know, I am going to NM and I wanted to get my friends something Ohioish with me. I am probably going to take some peanut butter buckeyes, but what else can I take them besides a box of candy that they may or may not like? Any suggestions?

Office Part II (kind of)

I just discovered something cool about my three-hole punch: it can be adjusted so that you can punch holes in the middle of the paper, not just on the edge. That is so awesome.

Ok everyone, keep your fingers crossed that my home internet is fixed tonight. And while I wait for the internet guy to show up, I am going to make fruit danishes. Yes, I am that awesome that I know how to make fruit danishes. Make sure to spread the word. Also, if you are trying to tempt a good-looking (hopefully dirty) guy to marry me with the homade fruit danishes, you might want to mention that I will also inherit some land in Arkansas when my dad dies, so I have a dowry.

I would also like everyone to keep their fingers crossed that the internet guy shows up more towards 4:30 and that it does not rain so I can go to the driving range and use my awesome new clubs.

Ok, on the count of three, cross your fingers.

One...

Two...

Three...

FINGERS CROSSED!

Office

When I go home from work, I have ink and marker marks all over me. Sometimes I can figure out how they got there (like I held the pen way down by the tip), but sometimes I have no idea (like how did I get highlighter on the bottom of my forearm?). Once I had a pen mark on my face by my nose. How did that get there?

My three-hole punch arrived today. The old one that was lying around disappeared, so I ordered one just for me. It is awesome. I am going to become the guy from Office Space with his stapler, I just know I am. In fact I think I am going to put in a drawer each afternoon before I go home so no one will take it…or hopefully no one will take it.

In other news, I think that most of my loyal readers are fans of The Office. Well, I Netflixed the original British version. It’s hard to say which is better; I think because I saw the U.S. version first I am more inclined to say that that one is better, but I did laugh pretty hard at some places in the British version. I definitely like Jim and Pam better than Tim and Dawn (although I do like Tim). Dwight and Garrett are about the same, except Garrett is freakier looking than Dwight. As for the Michael Scott/David Brent…well I actually like David Brent better. Well, not really like, but like to hate more. But that’s because the British can get away with more un P.C. humor.

Anyhoo, I guess what I am saying here, is that if you have the chance to check out the original Office, do it just to check it out.

Happy Tuesday or Happy One Week Until the Fourth of July (for which Laura is going to her ranch and never thought to invite me because apparently, I wouldn’t like it).

Summer Time and the Living is Easy

I have my first sunburn of the summer (fist pumping wildly in the air). And it is the kind of burn that should fade nicely into a tan. However, if you had asked me last night how I felt about my sunburn, I would not have been so positive. After a lot of sun, and well, a lot of beer, I was not feeling so hot. I think around 10, I dragged myself from the couch to bed.

Oh, and speaking of beds and sleeping in them, I had ANOTHER dream about Ralph Fiennes. And again, I don’t know where it came from. I haven’t seen him in anything recently. I did watch the British version of The Office this weekend. Maybe all I need to hear is an English accent and my subconscious just thinks “Ralph Fiennes.” In this dream we weren’t friends. He fell in love with me and had my parent’s house redecorated. Weird, weird, weird.

I saw my nephews yesterday. They put on their bathing suits and played with their water toys. At one point Jack yelled out, “Who wants a free willy?” and proceeded to dump two water bottles on his head. I can only imagine Jack in 20 years yelling out the same question. But I have a feeling it just won’t mean the same thing.

Down Came the Rain (and the hail, the thunder, the lightning and the tornado...and more rain for good measure)

Am I alive? Am I alive? Yes, I am, but it was a pretty hairy night. Between the loud ass thunder, lightning that looked as though it was this close to my face, and of course, the tornado warnings, it was not the usual Wednesday night.

I decided that as long as the thunder was noisy, I was ok. It was the calm around 8 that started freaking me out. But don't worry, it just got loud again. At one point, I did get brave and opened my sliding door and looked out, but as soon as I did that, a big roll of thunder happened and surprised me and I kind of tripped backwards into my living room. I might have let out a "holy shit," but that cannot be confirmed.

I could not divert my eyes from the tv, though. Reporters were calling in reports from their neighborhoods and viewers were calling in and everyone was flooding. Cars were being carried down streets and people were getting trapped. I expected to look out and see my car floating down the parking lot. I got really lucky where I live; no flooding, no power outages. My cable went out about 10, but I was kind of tired anyway, so I just went to bed. This morning the news said it went on until about 4 am. I was a little nervous to leave for work this morning, but it wasn't bad at all, although about a mile up the road from work is closed off due to high water.

And it won't really have any time to dry because we are supposed to have a repeat of the weather (sans tornado warnings) tonight.

Sigh…weather's weird.

If I Were A Rich Girl

I enrolled in my company's 401K plan. I am going to be rich by today's standards in 30 years. Or hopefully anyway. Woo hoo. Someday I'll be able to retire and probably move right back into this apartment. If I ever have a reason to move out in the first place.

I ordered specially made golf clubs today. I get a discount when I take the class so, theoretically, if the stock market does well in the next couple of weeks, I should recoup the expense. I think that's how it works. Oh good lord, 401K's always sound so important, but they are kind of a little confusing.

I played like shit today. I asked the instructor if people can just have an off day, and he said, "didn't you hear about Phil Mickelson completely choking at the Master's this weekend?" I felt a little better, but hoped that maybe I didn't get a little cocky from doing so well the past couple of weeks. Golf is complicated. 401K's are complicated.

$*&%*&&)_^$#()_+_(

It makes it somewhat difficult to get work done when I wasn’t connected to the company’s network. This means I couldn’t check my email, print anything or even get to some of my files. And of course, we don’t really have an IT guy, the VP of Operations does all that stuff and he was suspiciously gone all day today. And of course, one of the files I can’t get to, a client needs me to email to him, which I can’t do. At least I think that’s what he was yelling on the voicemail.

And did you know your ears can sweat? Apparently if you take an aerobics class in a gym where the air conditioning doesn’t work, they can.

What a fucking day.

But the weekend was a lot of fun. I drank way too much and was probably pretty stupid, but drunk or not, I laughed a lot. And we watched A LOT of Arrested Development. And Laura discovered she likes Mexican Martinis. A LOT of Mexican Martinis. PTT got the honor of sleeping on butter. And we all learned that Laura’s dog could bite our faces off.

Good times. Good times.

Hazah, Hazah

Laura is coming, Laura is coming, Laura is coming today! Ole!

I bullied her into getting here at 4:30 instead of 6:00. But I haven't seen her in two months, so we have a lot to stuff into two days. I think when you haven't seen a person in a while, you deserve at least 15 hours for every month you have not seen them. There can be some bend in those rules, par example, if someone had to travel far. But Laura only drives like two hours, so these rules stick.

It is supposed to be 95 degrees Saturday. Whooo, that is hot! I hope I don't get too dehydrated from drinking and then get sun stroke at the Botanical Gardens and pass out into a lovely bunch of flowers. I am sure that me being taken away by an ambulance would put a little damper on the weekend.

Last night in preparations of Laura's arrival, I was tidying up and whatnot and at around 10:15 pm, I decided to throw my bathmat into the washer. I read the tag and it said it could be machine washed, but when it was done washing, around 10:50 pm, some of the material was coming off, and some had come off in the washer. It wasn't falling apart, but it had made a kind of mess. So, I run the sopping wet mat to the bathroom and hang over the bathtub and then I go back to clean the inside of the washing machine. By 11:07 pm, when I was heading to bed, I thought, perhaps it wasn't worth all the trouble to wash the bathmat and that I may never do it again. And that was before 11:17 pm when I decided I was really hot and needed to turn on the air conditioner, before finally laying down in bed for good at 11:18 pm.


I'm tired and hot just thinking about all that. Bon weekend et Jour De Pères Heureux.

A little bit of pee

Last night I happened to catch a show on Comedy Central called "Dog Bites Man" or "Man Bites Dog" or something. Anyhoo, it is about a television news team who are verrrrry politically incorrect. On last night's episode they had to attend sensitivity training, because they are completely insensitive. At one point the woman on the team was saying she had a dream about having sex with a black man and wondered if it was racist because the dream guy had a stereotypically large penis.

The best, the best line in the show was when they were talking about a guy who was gay AND in a wheelchair. His nickname was:

Rolaids

I thought I was going to piss my pants.

FORE

My eyes are droopy today. And I even got to sleep a little earlier last night. What gives?

Last night at my golf lesson, the instructor told my dad that I was doing so well, that every time he walked past me, I was hitting the ball really well. Then this older woman (she's the one you have in every class; won't stop talking, tells dumb stories) goes on about how smooth I like when I am swinging. This is very nice to hear, but very funny for two reasons:

The instructor was telling this to my dad and not to me. It's like I am a little kid or something. Last week I thought the instructor was much younger than he really is (I discovered he is probably in his mid to late 30's), this week I think he thinks I am younger than I am. Maybe it's the new baseball cap I got.

I didn't tell anyone that I had had some experience with golfing. I just said thank you. I mean, I barely know these people, why would I share my life history with them.

I have a little bit of sunburn at the top of my farmers tan. Maybe this year I will actually get a tan. That would be kind of cool. Well, maybe shooting for a tan is over-hoping. I guess it would be cool to not look so pasty in comparison to everyone else.

Jouer au golf heureux, bronzage heureux, heureux quoi que vous ayez choisi de faire aujourd.

Is it Tuesday Yet?

Let's give it up for the longest day ever! Woo hoo. This is probably just the beginning of the longest week ever! Woo hoo. I think half of the problem is that I can't get comfortable in my office. I get hot and I turn on the air conditioner and then I FREEZE. It is actually quite amusing; I have a full sized window unit for one room. That's a lot of cool air, my friends.


I got the invitation for my high school reunion and they really needed a tech writer or something for help with their invitations. It had a tiny questionnaire about our lives and the directions were to use this as an RSVP and send it with the money we are supposed to send. And on the questionnaire there is a spot that we are supposed to mark if we are attending or not. But then it says (like three times throughout the whole flyer) to RSVP with money. So if we're not going and not going to send money, should we not RSVP? It is very confusing. Speaking of sending money, although I never had any intention of going, at first I thought, "oh they're asking for money…well that makes sense," until I read that it's only appetizers and a cash bar. I mean, maybe if we had dinner and an open bar, I could see sending money. What is the money the attendees are sending in going towards? And I thought when we graduated there was some sort of fund or something? But obviously the money is very important since it is mentioned so much on one page. Anyhoo, after that invitation, I am really glad I am not going. It is much less complicated to just throw it in the garbage and pretend I never went to high school.

LON-GEST DAY EV-ER!

What's On the Menu Tonight

I am going to try my hand at crab cakes. I hope that they are delicious. I am also making a lemon dill sauce for the crab cakes to be covered in. Or it can be used for the aparagus. It shouldn't be used for the strawberry pizza.

I love it when people come over...I get to cook new things. Although, one day it is going to fail miserably and the food will be completely disgusting. Maybe that night will come next week when Laura is here...hahaha.

Ok, I am off to practice for my next golf lesson. I hope I haven't forgotten everything I learned.

UPDATE...

Ok, so the crab cakes were delicious. Unfortunately, they didn't maintain their cake form, so it was more like crab cake casserole. But like I said, delicious none the less. Everything else turned out perfectly.

!

Apparently if I want to have the one child I think I might, I will have to have it with a young man.

Old Sperm Causes WHAT?!?!?!

Introducing the (supposed) 8th Wonder of the World

So Brangelina released pictures of their baby, Shiloh on People. I suppose that sometimes pictures don’t do justice, but she just looks like a regular baby. Is it just me or did everyone else expect her to be made of gold? I mean don’t get me wrong, unless she got all the ugly genes, someday she will be a very beautiful girl. But what a poor little thing; she raised such high expectations; she’s got a lot to live up to. I almost feel sorry for her.

For one thing, I believe Brangelina had her as some sort of political statement. “We can have an all American baby, but make her tolerant of diversity in the womb.” She’s either going to grow up to President of the World, or racist and ignorant (you know, just to rebel).

Second of all, how pissed do you think her adopted brother and sister are. I mean, Maddox was the most famous celebrity baby of all time and he’s just been totally replaced. And Zahara looks like an alien. I just want to take the little tykes aside and tell them, “Face it kids, Mommy and Daddy are not going to love you as much anymore. A better, more exciting baby actually came from Mom’s womb. You two just came from some third world countries.”




Lastly, I do hope Brangelina learn to live with bodyguards and such, because of all the crazies in the world that thinks little Shiloh holds some sort of magic in her. Also because I do forsee a major breakdown in Jennifer Aniston’s future, you know, once Vince Vaughn leaves her and she is truly alone.

So I would like to direct my parting words directly to Shiloh: Even though you look like any other baby, and you might not be able to walk through walls or over water, I do hope that you can manage to do all your major milestones (like walking, talking, using the potty) like every other kid. But do watch out for your sister. I swear, someday she might try to take you back to her home planet.

Golf Lessons = Life Lessons

I was watching a movie (Where the Truth Lies) the other night and lo and behold, Danielle from Lost was in it. She was clean and groomed so it took me a while to recognize her.

Anyhoo, I started my golf lessons last night and it was fun. It was nice having 100% success hitting the ball. Norman had mentioned that maybe the teacher would be hot and little dirty. Well, he wasn't really hot and golf pros are never dirty. I think it's the first thing they learn. They all wear somewhat baggy, khaki pants, a polo shirt, clean, look-like-new golf shoes and a baseball cap. And when I say they all wear that, I mean THEY ALL wear that. I think it is a required uniform. NMSU was one of the few schools with a professional golf management program and the guys would travel in packs and they looked like robots.

So, where was I? Oh yes, my golf lesson. There is something strange about someone your age (and let me face, probably a little younger) saying, "That's a girl!" when you hit a ball really far. The best part about anything to do with golf is the 19th hole. Although the four beers I drank did not help to hydrate my overworked muscles, so I am a tad sore today. But it is a good sore.

Speaking of Norman (yes, I did mention Norman), that really sucks about your rental house getting hit by the hurricane. Are the people living there still able to live there? What kind of damage has been done?

Theory for Thought

We kind of had a glossic discussion with PTT about that gross Skittles commercial, but here is another thought on what is mono or polyglossic.

So I realize that Public Enemy's "Fight the Power" has been monoglossic for ages. But what do you think of it being used in a Turbo Kick aerobics class. I mean, that's kind of polyglossic. Or perhaps it is the person who put together the routine to the music who is polyglossic. Either way, it's got some potential.

What do you all think?

I Spend a lot of Time at the Gym if the Only Interesting Things I Have to Talk About Revolve Around the Gym

I realized the other day that I read over people's shoulders on the machines next to me. I'll be eliptical training along and then I notice that they are reading Us Weekly or Star or some other glossy entertainment magazine and I am absorbed. I don't think anyone has noticed yet, or if they have, they are a lot nicer than me. If I noticed someone doing the same thing, I would give them a look that says, "There's a whole box of magazines over there...get your own."

I ran into my new mailman yesterday. He is very, very good looking. And of course, of course, I am just coming back from the gym and am sweaty and gross and because I am so sweaty, my already large t-shirt has expanded and hangs on me to my knees, just covering my gym shorts, which although were in the women's section, I am convinced are actually men's shorts because they are so HUGE. In other words, oh yeah, I was hot.

I have been practicing my yoga and I can hold my legs behind my head now. It is supposed to be a really controlled movement and I pretty much...well, I swing my legs back there and prop up my hips. BUT, I can do it.

Oh and this last tidbit, well this is going to throw you right over the edge, Norman. A midget has joined my gym. And although The Station Agent has made me come a long way from my fear of little people, I must say, I was not prepared to see a midget huffing and puffing on the treadmill. I wonder if she will ever try the eliptical trainer. I am not sure she would reach the handles. You know, exercise equipment is very small people friendly. Midgets and dwarves could sue for discrimination and then there would be miniature exercise equipment.

Ok, I've gone to far.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

There are a couple of work vehicles here; not cars, but the things that move things and whatnot. And when they go backward, they make that beeping sound. BEEP BEEP BEEP!

During the past couple of days, somebody has been driving across the entire building BACKWARDS. So for five minutes, all I hear is BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.

Was it annoying to read all that? Imagine listening to it.

When I was a kid I used to be able to lay flat on the floor and then swing my legs up and over my head and hold them there by pressing on my hips. I didn't realize I was doing a yoga move. But now that I want to do it as a yoga move, I can't anymore. What the frick? I am so going to practice everyday so that when I go back to class next Thursday, I will blow everyone away. I am also going to practice my tree pose while I am doing the dishes.(The instructor says yoga should not be a competition with others or with ourselves. I really just want to blow everyone away for my own personal satisfaction and not as competition.)

Je suis fatigué et affamé et heureux c'est vendredi. Ayez un bon week-end.

Titre

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

This morning I got into my office and I didn't have my coffee. I thought I had left it in my car and then honestly began to wonder if I had remembered to bring it from home at all.

But to end the suspense I just created, I did remember to bring it from home. I had just left it in the car.

I just recently got a four drawer filing cabinet in my office. I don't have to keep my shit in a box. It's awesome. It makes me feel organized, but I don't really think I am. I just put all my files in there without any system. But I don't know how to systematically organize things. Aren't there people out there who do that kind of stuff for a living? Maybe I should hire them to organize my filing cabinet (in which I only truly use two drawers).

In case you happen to not hear through email, various blogs or by phone call, Laura is going to have a baby. Haha…ok, she got a car. But you would think it was a baby. Or at least have a hand to shake. "I want to shake the Focus' hand." HAHAHA. All kidding aside, that is very exciting news. And she's driving me to the botanical gardens.

Au revoir, chacun. Ayez un jour splendide